Seriously…we didn’t even get fall. It was from 90 to ‘I hate your life’ outside. Today didn’t even crack 50, that’s the second day in a row! Regardless, after a long and stressful day at work, I did go running today.
~2.5 miles in 24 minutes…
I have no idea what to make of that time. I by no means was going 100%, my ankle does feel about 90% at the moment. Trying to rest it up, I fear it’ll be sore tomorrow morning. However, I do not regret running. It was a nice change, and it did warm up while I was out there. I did throw in some ab work at the end of it; and threw down a glass of milk.
Baby steps…some days we take a few steps back before we can move forward.
Allow me to inform you about my day [because I know you’re dying to know…]:
Got up stupidly early for work. Did my 100 miles worth of driving, three Subway stores, I did eat breakfast [wheat bagel with cream cheese] and had a cup of coffee [Guatemala Antigua blend] and headed to work.
The weather was absolutely lousy today. We did not even get above 50 degrees. It was cloudy for a good chunk of the day, and poured down rain the later half; lightening, thunder, and all [really weird]. After I finished my third store, I headed out into the freezing rain to my house. When I got to the house I placed my things in my room, walked into the living room, sat down and then it hit me…
I’m completely exhausted.
It’s freezing cold outside.
There’s lightening everywhere.
This is not running weather.
Now, some of you reading this enjoy placing posts that talk about not making excuses, running through anything, but allow me to give you two reasons behind my choosing not to run:
I’m not a fan of being struck by lightening, my town is a on a hill, and I run on hills [higher chance of being struck]
I cannot afford to get sick, not with this job I don’t have the time
Now, you can go ahead and rant and rave about my lack of spine, but I just couldn’t justify. On top of that, I can’t figure out the complete exhaustion.
Furthermore, I actually ate lunch today. That’s usually a rarity, but my stomach was hurting, my head was on fire, and I seriously needed some foot.
Footlong Chicken Crisp on Honey Oat Spinach Green Peppers Cucumbers Tomatoes Pickles on 6” Two stripes of ranch One stripe of honey mustard No cookies No chips No ‘pop’
I ate all of it. It was delicious, but when I got home I just felt guilt, and more guilt. When I arrived home, I sat down and fell asleep for two hours. I woke up, it was dark outside, and I had a bowl of cereal, a glass of milk, and a cup of hot chai tea.
I’m so confused on what I should do about working out. Do I need to get a gym pass in the town 13 miles north of here?
I don’t know what to do. My weight hasn’t increased, but the guilt is becoming overwhelming.
I stayed off my ankle most of last week. I did play my soccer game on Friday night. Most went well, I do have some fun bruises from that game; and my ankle was still a little swollen on Saturday. I’m giving it another day of rest today; and I think…I think…we’ll be ready to get back at it tomorrow afternoon.
I had a ‘night terror’ a few nights ago. Just a gnarly nightmare really. However, when I woke up I had this terrible fear in my head. I have been taking it super easy on my ankle as of late, which has limited my running; just trying to heal the thing. I was terrified that I was gaining weight, I mean straight up terrified. So scared that I got up, went into the bathroom, grabbed the digital scale and weighed myself. Naturally, my weight hasn’t changed at all.
I just found this rather…alarming and was very unsettling.
“If I don’t run for a few days, I feel like my insides are dirty. The run kind of scrubs my veins and arteries, and then all starts to feel right with the world. I’m not one of those fanatical people that if I miss a run, I go nuts. But when it’s something you love, you make sure you have the time to do it.”—Describes me perfectly (: (via brboutrunning)
So I iced up my ankle Friday night, stayed off of it yesterday, and have been placing full weight and stretching it like crazy today. Obviously I’m not going to risk looking like a complete idiot and self-diagnose, but I know my body, and I know it is feeling better.
After this weekend of ingesting crap, I’ve got to do something tomorrow. I’m going to go ahead and kick start some abdominal work and I’m going to patiently attempt to get through a mile jog after work. I keep telling myself that I know I want to just rip up the pavement, but I know I could do further damage to any injuries sustained from last week.
Still working on the diet. Subway’s $5 footlong always help, but home can be a little dangerous.
Today: 3 pieces of frozen pizza 1 glass of milk Around 25 pieces of grapes 1 Venti Caramel Apple Spice Cider…thing… Two BLT’s [six pieces of bacon combined] 1 Bowl of chocolate ice cream [literally got placed in front of me] 32oz Pepsi
I’m not even sure if I should be posting this period, does this make me juvenile? Childish? I mean, I am 24, I’m supposed to be mature in my ways, yes?
I’m going to take a step back and walk into a darker area of my life, yes, the events leading up to my divorce.
I married into a very… biblical based hypocrites. Just going to call it for what it is. A bunch of back row Baptist who could deliver great messages of praise and glory on any given Sunday, and then throughout the week could say nothing kind about anyone or anything that didn’t agree within their ‘doctrine’.
So many curse words come to mind at the moment, but instead I’ll just translate why this is even being typed out.
Tonight, I got home to my parents house, opened the fridge and found two small…I do mean small…deer steaks and half of a chicken breast. All three items had been grilled earlier today. It was 5:30pm and I literally had not had a bite to eat all day. I’d been out working on other things called life, and I was hungry. So, I grabbed those three items, a container of cooked corn, and a fresh red pepper that had been picked from the garden, and that is what I had for dinner, and I didn’t eat again for the rest of the night.
I tell that story to lead up to this pivotal moment of the night. My step-father walked into the house, had asked my mom about the steaks and then asked me if I had, had them. I said I had all three with red peppers and corn.
His comment, “You know…that was enough for three meals that you ate right there.”
The moment those words left his mouth, I flashed back to my ex-wife’s family, and her grandmother from ‘down south’ looking at me in a parking lot, while delivering groceries to me because we didn’t have enough money for food and telling me, “You know Shawn, the Bible says that if you don’t work, you don’t eat.”
A few points:
I didn’t eat. I narrowed myself to eating once a day for months in that horrific marriage because I didn’t have a full time job and I did feel bad that I wasn’t working.
Why wasn’t I working? Because I had a FREAKING TEACHING DEGREE AND NO SCHOOL IN MISSOURI WANTED ME! WANT EVIDENCE? LOOK AT THE FLIPPING 93 APPLICATIONS I FILLED OUT IN LESS THEN SIX MONTHS! On the side, while applying, I was a substitute teacher in not just one, two, or three schools, but nine…count them…NINE FREAKING SCHOOLS.
I, like anyone else, hates being told that they’re a disappointment, failure, or fat piece of junk. I wasn’t even freaking digesting 500 calories on most days because I was fearful of upsetting people because I wasn’t ‘working hard enough’ and I wasn’t ‘good enough’. Had nothing to do with self esteem or vision of myself, it had everything to do with not disappointing people.
That hurt. It hurt in ways that I didn’t even know was freaking possible.
Come back to tonight.
All I’ve been thinking about for the past hour is how I’m not good enough to eat the food in this house. I work 16 hour days Monday-Friday, I just don’t have a physical office. I do paperwork on weekends…I WORK! I FREAKING WORK BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO MAKE SOMEONE…ANYONE PROUD OF ME, AND THAT I’M ACTUALLY FREAKING WORTH SOMETHING. I’m a hard worker, I really am, and I know I’m an embarrassment and borderline worthless for still living with my parents, but honestly, when my ex-wife left me, it was either this house or a freaking cardboard box in the street…and I’m not kidding [any comment about Starbucks at this point will be dealt with severely].
I was just hungry this evening. I eat as little as I possibly can because I know I’m just a burden to the people around me.
Ok, this, like others, is a true story and definitely worth sharing with the tumblr world…
I say the tumblr world because no one here has a direct, physical relation to my actual existence.
Because of work I tend to travel, a lot. More then I understood originally. I love it, but frankly the road can get quiet and lonely. Last week I had to drop south about two hundred miles for a ‘staff meeting’ for the month. No big deal. While heading down there, I had a friend in the town that I moved from a few months ago. I got in my head this crazy idea; she likes coffee, let’s surprise her with some at work.
I was so proud of myself.
I stopped off at her work on my way down and dropped off the Starbucks beverage, smiling, knowing that I’m just sooooo sneaky…
Turns out she decided to work from home that day.
*Smacks self in head*
Defeated I headed south to the business meeting, wine, cheese, Arabian horses, etc…these people are nuts. Amazingly awesome, but nuts. I went to hotel that evening and got this crazy idea in my head. I will find a way to surprise my friend. I knew that I had a staff meeting at 8:30 the next morning, and I knew that the location of my friends house was within an hour drive of my hotel. This could work.
From talking to to my friend in previous conversations we had discovered the ideal breakfast in her mind. Thankfully, I listened.
5:30am came way too early the next day. I cleaned up in the bathroom, checked out of the hotel, and took off. I had two stops; Panera Bread Company and Starbucks [you see where I’m going with this…]
By 7:05am I was standing outside my friends house [wondering if I was going to get a restraining order filed against me…], and I sent them a text not to eat breakfast; it was outside. Now, it was cold that morning, and I knew that they had to be at work by 7:45am, so I assumed that they would be awake by the time I got there.
Not the case.
7:30am rolls around and I’m freezing in my slacks and polo shirt, wondering if the cops were going to show up. Eventually the front door opens and out walks my half-sleepy, half-curious friend. I held up the Panera bag and said, “Breakfast?”
I had repeated their breakfast: 2 Cinnamon Crunch Bagels 1 Honey Walnut Creme Cheese Container 1 Venti Caramel Frappicino [w/ no whip]
My friend awoke to their breakfast before having to head to work, AND I was back to my meeting by 8:30am.
I know it isn’t proper to brag, but friends in the tumblr world…
Been moving since 5:30 this morning. Three stores completed, store manager at one store was kind enough to offer me a free lunch [win]. Stopped off at a friends house for a quick chat, Starbucks with another friend, a few hours for laundry, soccer at 9:00 in KC…
I feel rather…gross. I must admit these past two weeks have not been the best on my physical life. I’m not admitting to gaining twenty pounds, but I haven’t taken the best care of myself. Really no excuse, just been busy…
Here’s where we stand in the ‘overall mission’
Continue to work on weight loss, still aiming to shed the final ten. Naturally they are the most difficult to get rid of.
Once those are gone we’re going to begin the development of my core [it’s like I’m my own experiment]. The goal is to have ‘definition’ by January, and in proper settings by March of ‘12.
Through the winter there will be outdoor running, but I’m also looking closely into a gym membership just to get inside a few days a week. I love the winter, but I hate…I mean HATE running in the cold. If I could get inside a few days it’d help…I think, plus a little weight training could be good.
Once the ‘thaw begins’ we begin a hard course focus on getting that 1600 meter time down. Current goal: Below 5:00 by the end of May of ‘12.
Adjustments to the diet are needed, moving into my own place should assist with that. When the weight training starts the protein [healthy] will be up’d a bit as well. Not sure how I feel about ‘powders’.
Sad note: I have come to realize that if I’m aiming to buckle down on running, my soccer player life is going to have to go into retirement for sole fear of injury.
It’s worth it. 3:39 is worth it. I mean, can you wrap your head around that? If we can get three solid years to knock a minute off we are in great shape for the ‘15 qualifier.
One step at a time…
We’re getting there.
Side note: My personal blog is able to be viewed here.